


Cullen and His (Wo)Men

by LadyBuck112



Series: Cullen's Kids [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst and Humor, Cullen Fluff, Cullen Has Issues, Cullen Rutherford Fluff, Light-Hearted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:43:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7138433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBuck112/pseuds/LadyBuck112
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen tries to escape the Skyhold ladies who bombard him with randomness when planning his son's baby shower.  </p><p>Silly...I know... </p><p>::sigh::</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cullen and His (Wo)Men

**Author's Note:**

> Setting: Skyhold, Cullen and Inquisitor already married with daughter Kayla, son Ciaran is on the way.
> 
> You: How do they know they're having a boy?  
> Me: Uh...um...well...magic? Yes! Magic.

Cullen closed the door to his small study and plopped into his seat. Looking over the stacks of contract requisitions and invoices, a small relieved smile spread across his lips.

 

_Mmmm paperwork! Time to zone out and escape my problems..._

 

Moments earlier he just _barely_ slithered out of answering the mother of all awful questions which began with:  “Cullen, be honest with me…” _Ohh shiiit_ , he could feel his heart begin to pick up pace before the rest of the words spewed out of her mouth, “Does this make me look _really_ fat, _kinda_ fat, _fat_ , or a _little_ fat?” She posed this way and that way in a _too_ yellow frilly dress. She sort of resembled a large pregnant bird. But she told him to be honest!

 

_Why does she ask me such questions?!_

 

So he did what he usually did when she tried to trick him with her damn trickery: he furrowed his eyebrows, shook his head disdainfully, and remained silent.

 

“Silence?! Cullen just be honest! You can be real with me. You know I can take it!” Eva put her hands on her hips and pouted at him. Damn her persistence! He hated lying to her but if he told her she looked ridiculous, he’d have to sleep in his office for a week. Maybe he _should_ tell her (evil chuckle)…Luckily, Vivienne tapped on the bedroom door and poked her head inside. Seeing Eva in the damn ugly dress, she shook her head violently.

 

“No, no, no take it off. We’ll choose something else for you to wear, darling.” Vivienne turned towards Cullen to request for him to grab the bright orange dress off the bed but it was too late. Cullen slipped out the door relieved. _Thank the Maker!_

 

He walked swiftly through the Main Hall towards the front door and then down the main stairs into the courtyard. He maneuvered between servants carrying decorations into the Herald’s Rest. _This is ridiculous,_ Cullen thought to himself. _All of this for our second child?_ _Our first child, yes, but not the second one_. _This was just greedy._ But he knew that it was pointless trying to talk the women of Skyhold out of it. Any excuse for a party, the women went all out for it. Spotting Josephine coming out of the tavern, he tried to duck between people to hide from her.

 

“Cullen!” _Damn! It!_ He could try to pretend he didn’t hear her and rush up the stairs or he could turn around with a scowl. “Cullen, I need your opinion about something!” He turned towards the Antivan accent with a deathly scowl on his face. Josephine smiled and waved him over, totally ignoring the look he threw at her. “Cullen it’ll be quick, promise!”

 

 _Maker’s breath! I just want to get home!_ Home being his dark, dank, dingy, crumbling, comfortable, and quiet office!

 

“I don’t have time right now Josephine and I do believe that whatever my opinion is, it will not matter.” Josephine proceeded to ignore his protest as she walked up to him holding up two banners.

 

“Which do you think is best? This green and gold banner that says ‘It’s a boy!’ or this blue and gold banner that says ‘It is a boy!’?” Cullen gave her a drawl look. Noticing that she was seriously stumped regarding the banners, Cullen glanced longingly at the stairs that led to his freedom and drew in a deep breath.

 

“The green one, I suppose.” Josephine lifted the banner higher in her hand to study it.

 

“Hmmm, I think you’re right. But the blue one shouts ‘boy!’ Thanks Cullen for your help!” Josephine turned on her heels and sauntered back into the tavern. He saw her hand the blue banner to a servant and then roll up the green one.

 

“Thanks for wasting three minutes of my life.” He mumbled once she was out of earshot. _Why do some women ask questions and then ignore the answer? Why did they ask things that would potentially lead to a fight or hurt feelings?_ _Life could be so much simpler. Just don’t ask!_

 

Turning towards the steps that led to the battlements, Cullen was surprised to bump into Sera. “There you are!”

 

“No.” Cullen stepped around her and proceeded to head towards the stairs, again. Sera clucked her tongue and stepped in his way to block him.

 

“No? I haven’t even asked you anything, yet!”

 

“Exactly. I’m not going to wait here for you to do so either.”

 

Sera smiled slyly and continued to block Cullen’s path. “So you don’t want to have a say as to what kind of cookies are being served at the celebration of your offspring?”

 

Cullen pretended to consider, “Hmmm, nope.”

 

“Fine!” Sera stepped to the side and allowed Cullen to pass without taking her eyes off him. He never did trust Sera, and the way she was looking at him right now was making him very uneasy. Turning towards her he squinted his eyes at her as if to peer into her sneaky _elfy_ soul.

 

“What is it Sera?” Cullen asked sternly. Sera grinned, held up a small pouch and waived it in front of his nose. Recognizing the musty smell of the herbs, Cullen reached to snatch the pouch from the crazy elf. Laughing, Sera hopped out of Cullen’s reach and jeered.

 

“I’m baking cookies and brownies…” She sang in a shrill voice. She held the little baggie up in front of her and wiggled it around in front of him as she stepped away from his grasp.

 

“You are _not_ baking cookies and brownies with Spindle _weed_ Sera.” Cullen followed after Sera and didn’t realize he walked into the Herald’s Rest until it was too late…

 

As he was trying to grab the sack from Sera, he caught the dangerous brown eyes of the Seeker. Cullen gave up on Sera and ignored her heckling as he watched Cassandra storm towards him.

 

“Cullen! Cullen, do not allow her to make me do this!” Cassandra pointed her finger in Josephine’s direction. Josephine glanced up from her writing board with a smile and a nonchalant shrug.

 

He rolled his eyes, not hiding the agitation in his expression nor his voice, “What are you talking about?”

 

Cassandra’s eyes narrowed on Josephine, “She’s making me give a speech! Absolutely not!”

 

“Well, no one has ever made you _do_ anything, Cassandra. Just…don’t do it!” Simple as that, _damn_.

 

Cassandra’s eyes widened in shock, “Don’t do it? I have to do it! Eva’s my best friend! How could you even suggest that I don’t do this?”

 

 _You know what…_ “Your choice.” Cullen turned to walk away but Cassandra caught his arm. He looked at her and then the hand on his arm. She let go.

 

“Cullen, I was hoping that’d you’d encourage me. I love your family but…I just don’t know what to say, this is a big thing to consider!”

 

Cullen’s head fell back on his shoulders as he sighed. “Keep it short. No matter what, your friends are going to support you and appreciate the effort. Now, I must-”

 

“Commander Rutherford, how does this look?” Cullen’s head swiveled towards Vivienne’s voice. She was smiling pleasantly at the very pregnant woman in front of her. Cullen was shocked at how quickly they arrived from Eva’s main room…

 

“Cullen?” Cullen jumped out of his daze and looked Eva over…silently…brows low…lip lifting into a sneer...

 

“What the hell do you-“ 

 

“Commander!” A different voice tore him from his thoughts.

 

 

Leliana walked over with a long piece of parchment in her hands. “So, I have twenty five different games for us to play…what do you think you and the guys would enjoy the most?”

 

Cullen drew in a deep breath. _One…two…_ “Look, everyone come here. Yes, gather closer…closer...Josephine, I need you to come over here please. Now.” He was reeling in the anger, Templar resolve and all… The ladies gathered around Commander Cullen who looked them all squarely in the eye. Yes, even his wife got “the eye”.

 

He lifted up his gloved finger and squint his eyes, “I’m only going to say this _once_ , so listen very closely: Cassandra, do the damn speech; you can simply copy whatever you’ve read in one of your damn books for all I care.

Josephine, I said the _green banner_ , switch them.

Sera make half a batch of regular cookies and another batch with your special ingredients and keep _those_ away from my wife.

Leliana, we don’t need twenty-five fucking games, just five would suffice.

Vivienne, my wife looks best in soft greens, white, and blues. Get her out of that crazy whatever-the-fuck she has on.

 

And you…” Cullen moved closer to his wife who was grinning while twirling her finger in one of her curls.

 

“Yea?” She bit her lip...

 

“Come here…” He growled the words as he bent his head down to kiss her. He placed both hands on her belly and then bent down to kiss it. He looked up at her…  “You’re so beautiful to me. I’m so happy to be the father of your children-“

 

Snort *snicker*. That was Sera. Cullen heard her and rolled his eyes.

 

“Alright, back to work everyone!” He dismissed the group with a loud clap.

 

He stood up, smacked his wife’s bum and walked out. Now…to his comfy, cozy, dark, brooding office…

 

\---

Finally sitting at his desk, he began to consider the requests before him. Simple answers requiring only a “yes” or “no”. He began to sign his name on the sheet before him when a vision of his wife in that awful yellow dress appeared in his mind. Chuckling to himself he shook his head. _She knew how awful that dress looked on her._ He’s always silently approved of the flowy gowns she’s worn throughout her pregnancy (gowns that often allowed him easy access her...) but that one was a total joke. It was horrendous! Ugly! Yuck!

 

After signing a few requisitions and tossing the others into the “hellz no” pile; he sat back in his seat and closed his eyes.

 

_The women here at Skyhold are crazy.  But what would life be like without them?_

**Author's Note:**

> I might change the title. I was really stomped regarding choosing a title...


End file.
